Yesterday was Mother’s Day...my husband and son gave me lovely flowers and cards, but there was a gaping hole in my heart. For all the “Happy Mother’s Day” wishes, and “Motherless on Mother’s Day” or even “How to Celebrate Mother’s Day when your Mom is a total b*tch that you cut out of your life years ago” I never saw anything close to my situation. I “became” a mother a little over a year ago when my husband’s younger son from a previous marriage came to live with us. He just entered his teen years, and the last year has been challenging, but very rewarding. The boy is doing well in school, his behavior has improved, and a medical condition he had appears to be retreating. I think I spent the first few months thinking “isn’t there someone more qualified for this?” but I eventually found my footing. So many times I wished I could talk to my mother about this — she raised 3 sons and 3 daughters, as well as several foster children. She was an excellent mother, but I can’t ask her opinion because she was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2005. Her mother died of “premature dementia” in the early 60’s, and was confined to a mental hospital. Alzheimer’s was her greatest fear in life, and she faced it bravely and planned accordingly. She’s in a great place and receiving excellent care. The staff all say she’s very sweet, which is a little ironic as she used to make grown men freeze with a certain stare.
The last decade has been tough, watching her fade away. We’ve been very lucky — as her memories have retreated, so have various walls she built. She never became paranoid or suspicious of her children. I sent her flowers for Mothers Day, though she doesn’t know if it’s Mother’s Day, and frankly, unless we are standing in front of her, she doesn’t know who her children are. When we are with her, there’s some recognition that we look like the pictures in her room, so we must be some sort of family, though our names are gone, as is the name of her surviving younger sister.
So this is my dilemma — how can I mark Mother’s Day with a mother who is still alive and in good physical health, but no longer knows me? God help me for saying it, but it would almost be easier if she were gone. Every year there is less and less. No one knows when the last Mother’s Day will be, and I don’t want to regret that I did nothing that last time. Even if she doen’t know me, she’s my mother and I miss her. For those of you who read this far, thank you for letting me get this out.
